Articles on Divorce: General

Every psychotherapist has faced the frustrations of dealing with high conflict couples undergoing divorce. The most serious deficits within the parties surface when they demonstrate their failure to realize the legal and emotional impact of the conflict on the child.

The most common dilemmas that high conflict couples face are the creation of multiple allegations, litigations, evaluations; dysfunctional alliances, alignments, and alienation; exposing the children to a new romantic interest too soon; different houses, different schedules — what's not o.k. to change. Of course, the most damaging condition of all is having a conflict (even if it's only body language, such as rolling of the eyes) in the presence of the children. All these behaviors create loyalty binds for children that are damaging, traumatizing, and can last a lifetime.

Resolution of these dilemmas can occur without court orders. If the attorneys are informed on the special needs of children of divorce, attachment issues, and child-developmental levels, they can help the parties focus on the child to create an appropriate parenting plan that meets the specific needs of the family and allows the co-parents to move forward with their own separate lives. They can also help the parties to understand that they are transforming a marriage relationship into a business relationship and the necessity to act with more formal, business-appropriate behavior in order to maintain a successful working co-parenting relationship. Finally, but always, and at any point, attorneys can refer the parties to an expert on children of divorce, a mental health professional, who is trained with high conflict couples to help the parties focus on their child, and if necessary co-mediate an appropriate parenting plan with them.

When high conflict couples do not resolve their dilemmas, court orders often come into play. Court mandated classes, such as "Parents Without Conflict" may be mandated. This is a weekly class that is focused on co-parenting co-ordination. It may be taken at the courthouse, where the time and date is arbitrarily established by the court. It is three hours in length and occurs in the middle of the day. Although the price is nominal, these classes often interfere with work schedules, and both parents are required to attend all the classes together in order to obtain a certificate.

Alternatively, private classes are offered by court-trained and certificated mental health professionals. These classes have more flexibility as they can accommodate one or both parents and may be offered in the evenings without interfering with work schedules. The cost of private classes may be higher than the court cost; however for some parties the convenience may be attractive.

Child custody evaluations are another outcome of unresolved co-parenting custody disputes. We all know the time and the emotional and financial cost of a full blown custody evaluation. Even brief evaluations and solution focused evaluations have waiting lists that may be several months long.

Frequently in a high conflict situation, when a child becomes old enough, he or she will refuse telephone calls and/or visitation with a parent. A loyalty bind has created an alignment or alliance with one parent against the other to the extent that the child no longer feels comfortable with the other parent. That other parent will often seek a parent-child re-unification order or court-mandated family/child therapy in the hope of rebuilding a relationship with an alienated child.

Many of us recently heard this play out when we listened to the telephone message left by Alec Baldwin on his daughter's cell phone. It is not difficult to identify with the frustration and hurt that a parent feels when his/her child refuses to communicate. And it is also not difficult to understand that a young person would refuse to communicate with a parent who brings such a deep level of intensity to their relationship.

When divorce becomes so conflicted and so protracted, it is almost inevitable that the child(ren) will be affected. It is not uncommon for children to side with one parent or another. A sad result of this is that it usually takes lengthy clinical intervention for trust to be re-built between parent and child. According to Judith Wallerstein, in Legacy of Divorce, divorce in many cases, carries on for the children deep into their adult years, negatively affecting their self-esteem and life choices. The irony is that much of the rancor and damage could be avoided with early high conflict co-parenting education.

Court measures attempt to produce the best outcome for the child and/or to reconcile child with parent, and quite often they do. However, there are also many difficulties to overcome once a high conflict case has gotten so far along. Often parties deplete most of their revenue during the process and are usually bitter; the children are often resistant to therapy; and at least one parent, if not both, have become negative about the legal and psychological process. It is very challenging to shift the perspective of family members once they have become emotionally entrenched in court litigation. Nevertheless, successful adjustments do occur over time for most families.

According to Joan Kelly, Ph.D., who frequently authors articles in "Family Court Review", The Journal of the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts, 75% of children of divorce make successful adjustments, while 25% do not. Far better to be pro-active and to help the families resolve their dilemmas before the years of angry litigation take their toll. Knowledgeable attorneys, psychotherapists, and timely interventions can reduce that 25 percent failure rate for children. High conflict co-parenting dilemmas can be diminished with education, information, and professional guidance.

Renee Leff, MFT, J.D., FSCIPP has a private practice in Woodland Hills (818) 734-9602) where she specializes in divorce, custody and high conflict couples. She is past president of the San Fernando Valley Chapter of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and is an adjunct professor at Phillips Graduate Institute, as well as a former child custody evaluator. She has currently completed the Los Angeles Superior Court Family Law training for certification in Parents With Conflict and helps individuals with high conflict acquire the skills for successful co-parenting and successful re-unification with their children.

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