Articles on Divorce: Parenting

Divorce, for many of us, may become a time for fragmentation and loss. It is a time when very important decisions have to be made during a period when our decision making ability is not at its best. Aside from the deep loss that adults and children may undergo, (spouse, home, custody, financial certainty, friendships, extended families, neighborhoods, identity, innocence — I could go on and on) there may also exist the depression and anxiety that accompanies all the aspects of how to put one's life back together in a productive and healthy way. Adult depression and anxiety can manifest themselves upon children of divorce without parents really being conscious of this at all.

However, not all divorce and custody issues have to have outcomes that produce negative outcomes and unpleasant memories for children of divorce. There are now experts in this area that can inform parents and help them help their children to adjust successfully to the changes in their lives, so that they may become productive, happy human beings.

Let's looks at some of the dilemmas that most parents face:

1. How to manage anger without hurting the children or putting them in the middle of conflicts.
2. Criticism of the other parent in front of the child.
3. Verbal conflicts in front of the child.
4. Attempts to form an alliance with the child against the other parent.
5. Threats to limit time spent with the other parent.
6. Repeated litigation over custody and visitation issues.
7. Anxiety about the child's well being while with the other parent.
8. Inability to communicate and/or co-parent effectively.
9. Exposing the child to a new relationship too soon.
10. Putting the child in an adult role by:
    
    
    1. giving your child too much information about adult issues (e.g. child support)
    2. relying on your child for emotional support
    3. asking your child to relay messages between you and your co-parent

Now, let's look at some ways in which parents can overcome these issues:

1. Gaining insight about the behaviors in the above dilemmas is critical to the adjustment of your child. For example, a 17 year old young lady suddenly decided she no longer wanted to have a graduation party, which had been planned elaborately many months in advance. Both her divorcing parents were frustrated and sought out an expert. It turned out that both parents have new romantic partners that were planning to attend this event. The young girl was still adjusting to her parent's new separation and wasn't comfortable with either one bringing a date to her party. Rather than tell them this, and risk their anger, hurt, and disappointment, she was ready to sacrifice her own celebration. Fortunately, an expert in divorce and custody was found, it was agreed that neither parent would bring a partner, and the girl and her parents had a lovely time at her party.
   
   
2. Understanding the developmental stages and tasks that the child needs to accomplish during the time of divorce is crucial for a child to be mentally healthy and productive. A poignant example of this is the "homework" dilemma. Many parents who see their children every other weekend and once weekly for a brief dinner resent the fact that time on the weekend needs to be spend doing homework. They, understandably, would rather spend precious time doing fun activities. Often, homework is ignored, and the child is returned to his/her primary residence with incomplete homework. The other parent in turn becomes resentful, as homework then becomes rushed and unpleasant. Anger and resentment rear their heads, and this becomes one of the reasons that transitions from one parent to another are anxiety provoking for the child. Far better, if one parent gives the other a "heads up" about homework, sympathizes with the time it may take away from other plans, while the other parent does all he/she can do to make the homework time a fun and creative process.
   
   
3. Making informed custody decisions and appropriate parenting plans require the use of an expert to help parents understand how securely or insecurely a child is attached to each parent. While a child who is securely attached to both parents may do well immediately with a 50/50 parenting plan, a child who is avoidantly insecure or ambivalently insecure to one parent may need more time to work toward "earned secure attachment and 50/50 shared time. Avoidant children will often refuse visitation.
   
   
4. Being informed about the loyalty binds that children face which accompany most custody outcomes is crucial to eliminating stress and eventual resentment from a child's life. Many young children find it difficult to wrap their minds around the fact that they can love each parent, despite the divorce. This belief is often embedded by bitter, angry parents and serves only to fragment, confuse, and add additional suffering to a child of divorce.
   
   
5. New romantic partners, when introduced too early to children, may cause additional pain for the child. He/she may be already feeling abandoned and betrayed by the divorce; a child needs time and support to adjust and accept the splintered family divorce process. To introduce a new romantic partner too soon can cause unspoken confusion to young children and discomfort and resentment to teenagers. An example of this are two teen brothers who refuse to contact their father because he left their mother for another woman. The dad expected the boys would just accept his decision and become part of his new life. These children are securely attached to their mother, w/avoidant insecure attachment to their dad and refuse all visitation.
   
   
6. How, what, and when to tell children about divorce depends upon their age and their developmental level. It is wise to consult an expert. Young children need not be told long in advance of the physical separation. Also, detailed explanations should be avoided. On the other hand, older children may benefit from notice and quiet, neutral discussion. All language and discussion must be carefully tailored to the child's level.

Children are resilient, yet, according to Joan Kelly, PhD, in her recent articles for the Association of Family and Conciliation Courts journals, 25% of them do not make a successful post-divorce adjustment. What they need is a parent or parents who know how to provide them with the opportunities to reach resiliency. I am not talking about bringing children to therapy. I am not talking about parents going to therapy. I am talking about parents, together or separately, coming to an expert on children and divorce for specific case by case consultation on the child/family situation and needs.

Too often, when co-parenting is not successfully accomplished, the child or children will refuse visitation with one parent. Frequently this results in the other parent going to court and getting orders that mandate parent/child re-unification. Usually a child is very resistant to this process, and a therapist is needed who knows how to reunite a rejected parent with a mistrustful child. An example of this is a 10 year old who was "poisoned" by her mother's anger against her father. She refused visitation and only came to therapy because her mother was so ordered by the court. Initially, the sessions were awkward at best, many sessions were missed because the mother did not bring the child. However, over time and in a safe place, the father and the daughter were provided the opportunity to develop a relationship of their own, which, once nurtured, continues to thrive. Research reveals that children do better with two parents in their lives, even if one is less mentally healthy than the other. And that is what we want: productive, well adjusted children.

So, what then are some ways to successfully co-parent?

1. Eliminate conflict in the presence of the children. (This means auditory as well visual)
2. Learn how to make a "polite request" when you want something from the other parent, and learn how to make a "polite acknowledgement" when the other parent requests something of you.
3. Don't speak negatively about the other parent in front of your child, even with body language, such as rolling they eyes, etc.
4. Keep the children out of the middle; don't ask them to carry messages in any form. Deal with your child's parent independently of your child.
5. Encourage visitation with the other parent. Children need parental support to make the transitions and the visits to two houses a positive experience.
6. Do not introduce new romantic partners to them for a significant period of time.
7. Seek out an expert if you have difficulty with co-parenting children of divorce.

All of us who are parents want our children to grow up physically and mentally healthy. Even those of us, without children, or with grown children, look forward to a younger generation that can lead our world to a more evolved level. The best way to ensure a safe and healthy tomorrow for our kids, for ourselves, and for the planet is to care for the safety and well being of the children while they are young and vulnerable. Divorce is their most vulnerable time.

Renee Leff, J.D., MFT, is a Board Certified Diplomate Fellow in Forensic Science. She is a former child custody evaluator and presently has a private practice in Woodland Hills where she practices psychotherapy, coaches individuals who are undergoing child custody evaluations, and consults with individuals going through the divorce coparenting process. She is an adjunct faculty member at Phillips Graduate Institute, a past president of the San Fernando Valley Chapter of the California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, a member of the Los Angele Collaborative Family Law Association, and a member of the Los Angeles and San Fernando Valley Bar Associations.

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